I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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