My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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