y did u give ur computer a hand job?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
