can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
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In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
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I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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