Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
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