Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
