Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
