I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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