the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
