his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
