you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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