five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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