I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
