i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
