i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
