i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
