i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
