I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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