life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
