Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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