Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
