I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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