I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
