ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize