One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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