her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
