where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
