You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
