you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
