:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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