Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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