getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
