He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
