My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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