Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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