I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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