On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
