it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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