I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
