You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
