I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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