i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
