When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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