were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
