When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
