ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
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