I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
