im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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