Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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