i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
