I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
