Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
