She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
