I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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