when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
how does that bad decision feel?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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