Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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