Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
