so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
