I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
where does the pee come out of this thing
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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