My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
